I Wanted to Say Goodbye...

Hi to any who read my blog,

I just wanted to say that I have met some exceptionally thoughtful people in the blogging community. There are a few of you especially, who have really gone above and beyond in leaving me thoughtful comments on my posts, and lending support when I have needed it. I hope that I was able to offer some support in return.

I have not fallen off the wagon. I'm toeing the line...eating healthy food, but not yet back to the pared down meal plan I was on before. I am more motivated than ever to get healthy.

All that being said, I have to be honest...the blogging experience has not resonated with me the way I had hoped it would. I am deep down in my bones exhausted. It is 2:37 a.m. as I write this. This is the first free moment I've had to myself all day. When I post, it is either in the middle of the night like it is right now, or while my little girl is screaming at me for attention. Because of this I am having a hard time enjoying the blogging process.

I haven't been able to put the effort into blogging that I had hoped to, and honestly, the thought of writing even one post a week feels like an insurmountable chore right now. Does anyone ever feel that way? I am a big believer in giving support as well as receiving it. So, I just wouldn't get anything out of writing posts without interacting with other bloggers.

If I have ever left a comment on your blog, it is because I find it to be interesting and insightful. I feel a kinship with anyone who struggles with their weight.

My plan is to keep looking for a support system. I am seriously needing some face to face interaction. The internet is wonderful. Heck, I met my husband online, but at this point I really need a friend that I can take a walk with or something. I think I need to use the energy I do have to seek out some activity that I can participate in with my daughter that might lead to a possible friendship with another mom.

I hope all of this makes some sense and doesn't seem too terribly dramatic. It definitely seemed wrong to just leave some really good people wondering what the heck happened to me.

Thanks again for the support and interaction. I wish you all the best of luck and good health. We can do this.

Angie

Pulling Out of the Tailspin...

Thank-you to Michele for checking in on me, and helping me to stay accountable.

Historically, I am not very good at pulling myself out of a food tailspin...this time is no exception, but I am making progress. I was only off track for five days...I was MONUMENTALLY off track though. Monday I was spot on with the food, Tuesday I went off a bit again, and today I have eaten nothing but extremely healthy food...just too much of it.

My goal for the rest of this week is to only eat my healthy on plan foods, but allow myself more of it if need be. I'm trying to transition here. When I push too hard, too fast, it tends to blow up in my face. What's the lesson in all of this? Consistency is key.  This is a critical time for me. I know how crazily easy it is to regain weight.

On a happier note...On Tuesday I finally made it to the Sammamish River trail here in WA. It is something like 10 miles long, and paved. I had been wanting to give it a go for ages, but was too embarrassed/shy to stop and ask someone how to access the thing...the website was unclear, and I still feel like a tourist here at times. It all sounds silly, but I have a bit of the social anxiety. I have made great strides in improving my situation over the years, but all that is for another post.

Anyway, I stopped and asked a mom with a stroller how to access the trail, and ended up having a nice little conversation. Why didn't I do this sooner? I really have to push myself to try new things. It was a fun time, and I got a good 40 minute walk in.

Here are some pics...

I don't know...this goose just cracked me up. He/she appears to be limbering up before its big walk.

I am loving the fall colors!

My muffin needed a jacket and blanket, but mama worked up a sweat, even with a tee on. That's a sign of a good workout.

I accessed the trail at Marymoor park...I still have lots to explore there.

Well, that's about it for now. Not to sound too dramatic, but I am yearning for that clean, light, peaceful feeling I was cultivating for myself. I know that it is just a few "on plan" days away. I need to believe in myself, and learn from this experience.

I hope everyone is having a great week.

Angie 

I will not abandon this blog!

I just wanted to quickly say that I did not abandon my blog. Some serious home repairs just fell in my lap last week, and I had to move into a hotel for five days while the work was being done...with a one day notice. Has anyone out there ever moved into a tiny hotel room with a baby, and all of the necessary apparatus? Yeah, color me exhausted. The work is finished, and my house has been put back together nicely. I didn't have computer access.

I am so happy to be home. Blech....I really messed up. It's hard to write this, but I have to be honest, otherwise, what is the point of this blog? I ate crap the entire time. I had a tiny fridge and microwave in the room, but didn't use them. I could have made much better choices...there was no way to eat my usual meal plan, but that was no excuse to go off the deep end. Burgeres, fries, pizza, ice cream, sodas, chips, candy, various carryouts. Result...I got sick, migraines came back, I haven't slept well in days, and a I broke out into some weird rash from the toxic food.

I am not going to call myself names, although I could so very easily slip into that all too familiar self battering mode. I screwed up big time. I am back on plan as I write this. I'll have to do some withdrawing over the next few days...that's how I see it...like withdrawing from a drug.

A huge part of me is relieved to be getting back off of the food. I had five bad days, I can recover if I do the work.

What is dissapointing to me is that I was so easily knocked off plan. Yeah, it was a stressful few days, but I didn't even try...I honestly didn't. I literally tuned out the sensible part of my brain, I could actually feel myself doing it. I don't even know what to make of that. I have some serious soul searching to do.

This is a reminder of how very, very far I have to go. Chicken and veggies tomorrow. I will enjoy them. Lots of water, walk in the park with my girl. I will have a good, strong day.

I hope everyone out there in the blogosphere is doing well, and enjoying a bit more sanity than I have been.

Angie  

Healthy Weight Fantasies/Goals

First off, I wanted to say another quick thank-you for all of the supportive comments I received on my last blog post. Each one of them was very helpful. Weight loss can seem like an awfully lonely endeavor at times. I guess this is because at the end of the day we each have to face whatever demons led us to this predicament in the first place. I know my journey is about so much more than calories in vs. calories out and exercise...although that's a big part of the equation as well. I managed to stay on plan since my last post (did not exercise Thursday and Friday though), although I felt like the wind was let out of my sails. I feel like I am beyond a point where I can backtrack. So, I am making yet more lifestyle changes...getting up earlier to allow for some elliptical.

On a lighter note...

I just wanted to share a few *healthy weight* fantasies/goals that seem to help when I get the urge to eat, or feel a little tired/fed up...which has been a little to often lately, but I'm coming out of my self imposed funk. These are things that I picture myself being able to do (usually with my little girl) with relative ease once the weight has been shed, and each one is a very reasonable and attainable goal...

1. Kayaking...I have always wanted to learn how to kayak. Right now I just wouldn't fit comfortably.  Lake Washington is within walking distance of my house. I drive past people during their kayak lessons all the time. I would love to be able to do this with my daughter someday. I have always found the water to be very peaceful. This one also includes swimming in public.

2. Hiking...I used to be an avid hiker. I would have to say hiking is my recreational exercise of choice. There is just something about being in the woods that recharges my batteries. I know that taking off the weight will do my joints a world of good, and allow me to take long hikes again, without such a risk of injury. There are so many trails in my area just waiting to be explored.

3. Disney World!!! I went there once when I was eleven-years-old, and I have been trying to get back ever since. Now that I am a parent I have an even more plausible excuse to go. :0) I love that kinda stuff, and am a kid at heart. This one also encompasses my roller coaster fantasy. I used to go to Cedar Point once every summer as a kid, until I got too big for the rides. I know a lot of heavy people miss amusement parks.

4. Biking...I kept popping the tire of the last bike I owned. I was 250 lbs then. Maybe I needed a better bike? Anyway, I would love to get one of those parent/child tandem bikes. I see them all the time. Along with lots of hiking trails in my area are tons of biking trails.

5. Martial arts....just something I have always wanted to try. I want to take a class with my daughter. I think it will be a wonderful tool for building confidence.

What I like about these fantasies/goals is that they involve recreational exercise (my very favorite kind of exercise). I actually picture myself doing these things when I need a boost, and not a single one of them is far fetched...someday I will be doing each of them on a regular basis (besides Disney of course, but wouldn't that be fun?) Some of my access to these things right now is due to the fact that my daughter is only 16-months-old....but honestly, if she was eight and I was still this heavy I doubt I'd be doing any of the activities I mentioned.

All this being said, I believe that the time to live is now. I keep trying to push myself to find new parks and activities to explore. But, I take comfort knowing that I'm working so hard to stay on a path that will open up my world.

Take care,

Angie

Getting Harassed While On My Walk...nice

I could use a little advice. Tonight while I was taking my walk a man yelled: "Walk faster, you'll lose more WEIGHT!" I admit it, this really upset me. The confident, rational, grown-up *me* knows that the man who yelled this is 1. a coward, seeing that he was cloaked by darkness, and 2. pathetic...who gets their jollies harassing overweight women as they try to take a walk...I mean really?

The scared, embarrassed, still feels like a little girl getting picked on *me* wants to run and hide, anything to protect myself from thoughtless comments like that. I even considered not taking my nightly walk anymore, if only for a moment.

What really upset me is that I let this creep get under my skin. When it happened I just kept walking (it was dark, and I was alone). But, for the rest of my walk I fumed, and thought of witty comebacks, and ways I could have confronted the guy. As soon as I walked in the door though and saw my husband I burst into tears. I was so embarrassed, and angry.

This just stinks. I was feeling on top of the world during my walk, and then whamo! I know I am a strong person who happens to struggle when it comes to eating. Obesity has been a life long battle for me. This doesn't make me *bad* and I know I have as much right to walk down the street with her head up as anyone else.

So, I ask this of anyone who reads this...how do you handle harassment over your weight? Does it ever happen to you? Does it make you feel like your back in middle school? What the heck should I do if I encounter this man again, and he continues to harass me?

I feel a little better already after venting a little. Mean people suck.

Angie

Keeping the Lid on the Id

Taken Saturday on ferry going to Bainbridge Island, WA

I had a tough week off and on working through crazy eating urges, but managed to stay 100% on plan, and lost another four pounds. I kept on asking myself what I was really feeling when the desire to eat rose to the surface of my brain. Usually, the answer was stress. I would go into all of the particulars of my life, but I didn't make this blog anonymous. Just the run of the mill boring everyday stuff. 

Stress will always be a presence in all of our lives. At this point, eating through it is no longer an option. I feel a moral responsibility to be healthy for my daughter...to control the things that I can control. When I was single I lived in constant fear of giving into my urges to eat (especially after losing a lot of weight). I didn't want all of my progress to slip through my fingers.

Now, I feel an almost unshakable resolve. It's still tough as hell. So, my resolve isn't about me thinking weight loss is easy, because it is not. My resolve comes from the fact that the stakes are so high. I always try to keep that in mind.

Keep going strong,

Angie

Saturday Weigh-In

Time for another Saturday morning weigh-in. Today's weight: 286.0 lbs. Woo hoo! It's always nice to hit a new decade. That is a four pound loss for the week. I've been on my mission to regain my health for exactly eight weeks today, and have taken off 37 lbs. so far. I have a long way to go, but feel like I have a firm start under my belt. I am so thankful that I have been able to muster up the strength to start this journey. Starting is so darn difficult, but there is no way around it. Got to do the work.

Today's goal, and I say this to myself with the utmost love and respect..."Angie, don't be a dumb ass." Meaning, a loosen the reins day isn't an excuse to go bat sh#$! My Saturday's have been pretty darn reasonable so far, especially last Saturday.  I'm still not ready to let my them go. At this point I know it is a crutch, but the thought of going without it makes me want to pack the whole thing in. I'm working on this.

I have Boar's Head turkey, a little cheddar, cottage cheese, and maybe an apple planned.

Happy Saturday to all. :0)