Sunday, September 19, 2010
Above is a video I made at the lowest weight of my adult life. I was over 150 lbs. down, and about to start regaining. I was in such denial in this video, talking about guilt free Saturday's, and my ability to bounce right back.
I am down 4.4 lbs. this week. I still cannot believe I am taking control of my life, again. I feel a bit healthier everyday. Pretty much every single night for the past year I woke with a start, heart pounding, and hands shaking. My first thought would be: "Oh my God I'm gaining the weight back!" It wasn't some kind of nightmare. It was really happening. It only took about a year.
I did not think I would regain almost all of the 150 lbs. I had worked so hard to lose, but I did. I made so many changes during my weight loss. I learned valuable information about nutrition, I worked very hard to change my psychology for the better, and I found a support system for myself. I actually documented almost all of my weight loss on YouTube... I had been hiding from life for more than a decade, so this was an extremely out of character move for me. It was an amazing experience. I actually met my husband through the weight loss support group, and ended up moving from Michigan to Washington State.
I guess the point of all this is that I continually find myself comparing the way I am losing weight now, to the way I did it before. Like I wrote in my first post, I exercised for nearly three hours each day. I was walking six miles/day at over 300 lbs. I spent extensive amounts of time interacting with my weight loss support group, both giving and receiving daily support. I had copius amounts of time to spend on myself, and had joints that were still healthy enough to take pretty much anything I threw at them.
It is all different now. I have a 15 month old daughter. The saying is true: "A baby changes EVERYTHING." I love caring for her, but I literally never get a break. I should be in bed right now, but getting these thoughts down is important for my recovery. My joints are wrecked. I have been doing 15 minutes on my elliptical, five days per week. My knees are twinging like crazy, my ankles are swollen, and my hip is on fire.
I'm not complaining here...I am acknowledging that I have to do things differently this time around. I cannot count on exercise and the subsequent endorphin rush to squelch any food cravings. Instead, I literally think my way out of eating. In a way this is better, and I think will lead to lasting weight loss because my brain isn't constantly flooded with chemicals....good or bad. I am also trying to decide on a venue for giving and receiving support. That's why I started this blog, and am trying to work it into my daily routine. Finally, I am trying to be real with myself at all times, and never slip back into denial. That is exactly how/why relapse is possible.
It's all a work in progress.
Posted by Angie at 2:23 AM